I completely agree with you that the main points are a similarity in hashkafas and values, middas tovas and mutual goals.
That’s why the people in mature age need time to meet and to talk to see if they are really competable. Nobody is perfect, it is only a matter to feel comfortable with each other. Nevertheless, there are some particular categories that everyone should be careful with. According to the Rebbetzin Sara Yoheved Rigler, who is a well-known shidduch coach, they are: abusive & controlling, addicted, having some mental issues/disabilities. According to the rebbetzin Rigler the last category could be managed. Rebbetzin Rigler developed a great teaching, very well structured, which helps the single girl/women to improve themselves and to set up their goals in purpose to get married in a real term. She provides a 10-weeks course teaching about:
- How to Improve my life.
- Get answers for my questions.
- Become the kind of person men want to marry.
- Become happy and fulfilled in my present life.
- Raise my self-esteem and self-confidence.
- Gain life skills that will make me a better date
- Explode the “Three Fallacies” that mislead single women.
Here is the link to her The Ladder site.
Also, there are many brilliant books that teach how to deal with shaddchanim, to be in shidduchim, explaining in great details every step of this difficult and painful process.
Based on my own experience speaking to the men, who are looking for the right one to remarry, I’ve never heard of any successful story when two frum people met one-two times, they saw from the beginning that they don’t match at all, but decided to try following a principle “Why not to try it?”. As much I heard from them, it was a mistake and a marriage didn’t last long, in most of the cases less than a year.
Another point that iIagree about, that some frum people are looking for one to fall in love to. I do believe that an attraction is a pre-requisite for a happy marriage and two people should really enjoy each other, but we all learn from the Torah, that Yitzchok first brought Rivka to the tent of his mother, then he married her and only after that he loved her. According to my Ruv, two people should share their lives for a long time to deserve such a great feeling as a true love is.
To make it clear, all the specific characteristics that I’ve described in my message, were mentioned with the constructive purpose regarding the solving the shidduch crisis, not to insult anyone Chas v’Shulom.
Thank you for understanding.