Is the shidduch crisis real?
No the shidduch crisis is not real. Hashem runs the world and has a plan for every individual! I believe the “shidduch crisis” was created by the yetzer harah in order to spread confusion and doubt among klal yisroel.
I gotta agree. But I also have to say there are a lot of older singles out there that need help getting married. And while I don’t care about labeling this need a crisis or not, it is still a situation that requires us to help however we can.
What defines a crisis?
If that is the definition, and making shidduchim is as difficult as splitting the sea (for HaShem, easy, for us, very difficult) - then it would seem that there is.
Hashem provides us with the tools, its up to us not to mess up
Example, Hashem gives us the gift of sight use it before you cross the street, Cant blame Hashem if one was distracted or one a cell phone (Hashem yishmor)
OK about the crisis, yes there is a Crisis, please dont give the shaduchim is completely out of our hands in Shas and Shilchan aruch
(Talmud Moed Katan 18b says “Mutar L’Ares Isha B’Cholo Shel Moed -One may get engaged to a girl on Chol HaMoed lest someone else come along and get engaged to her first”
The Talmud Yerushalmi Beitza Perek 5 Halacha 2 has the text as “shema Yekadmenu Acher B’Tefila- someone may get her first via prayer”. However, the Talmud there says that one who usurps someone’s intended wife via prayer, the marriage will not last)
there is a concept that tfila or chalila missing the opportunity can lead to a shema yikadmenu acher
we need to be responsible in shidduchim
There are roughly 105 boys born yearly to every 100 girls
( some special neshamos will never marry if Hashem creates them different)
meaning if boy and girls marry at the same age 5 boys will not have a zivug
most circles the boys are usually a bit older so that straightens out the numbers
BUT if boy wait until 22 or 23 or more, this will lead to many many girls not having a partner!
I feel Lo saamod al dam re’aycha would include boys postponing marriage (if they are ready)
And no lame terutzim about ‘I need to learn more’ if Hashem wants you to learn there are many kollelim.
beside lo hamedrish haikar ela hamasia, the Torah was given to act upon not just to learn it
Yes Talmid Torah k’neged kilum, Learning is great but dont throw away many other mitzvos just so you can learn a bit more.
Get married and continue to learn, and do chesed+
so is there a crisis, yes there are hundreds of singles out there waiting waiting for a zivug that may (Hashem yishmor) never show
I think it’s a shidduch nisayon. Everyone has nisyonos in life, and for a lot of people, being single is it. It’s a crisis because people are in pain, and as with everything, it behooves us to try out best to help everyone and anyone in whatever way we can with whatever their nisayon is. We don’t have to be an official shadchan to daven for people or to think of others and try redting things. Kudos to zivugtech for seeing a need and jumping to help. May he see tremendous success from it!
the answer as one can see from the responses above and if one does not care about being politically correct, is yes and no.
the crises begins with our education system being one big baby sitting service and many children grow up in to adults expecting everything from everyone.
that the divorce rate keeps going up is expected, when a couple stays married is the miracle.
there is more wealth with individuals than anytime in history, but somehow no חכמה how to help and build a great education system.
if Hashem wants, just like he gave them money, he could’ve given them the brains.
which brings us back to Hishtadlus. as the old saying goes, "one needs to do, success is in the hands of Hashem.
this site gives us the opportunity to do the Hishtadlus.
thank you, Mr. Lasry and everyone else here.
hatzlucha to us all
I have spent the last 4 years working with older singles. The common denominator with all the girls I worked with was inability to give her date feedback. She had the misconception she would be leading him on.
I found that 80% of the men know if they are interested in the first date. On the other hand 80% of women don’t know if they are interested on the first date.
The mens’ list is short, attraction, personality, frumkite level.
The womens’ list is long. Will be respect my intellect, my emotions, my fears.
Will he protect me? from harmful animals, harmful people, weather, insults?
Will he provide for my needs? What kind of father will be for my children?
She is collecting information. Not enough happens on the first date to give her enough information to help her decide …interested or not interested.
Now, if the first date was on an Island, where he would need to protect her, provide for her etc. Then she would know.
20% of dater don’t have this list at all.
So, the older girls don’t want to lead anyone on when they don’t know . So, they hold back any good thoughts they have about their date.
The men don’t understand this. If she isn’t on the same page as me on the first date then he is exiting the shidduch. Matter how accomplished men are ,they will avoid rejection.
When Men start to understand they are the protector, provider. and they do their job. and women have to give feedback.
The men can’t stay in the shidduch without feedback. I find out from the girl , what she likes so far. I tell the guy , what she said. I remind the guy that she still has a lot of questions. He can stay in the shidduch longer if he has feedback. That extra time gives the girl a chance to catch up with him.
By older girls, are you referring to never married or divorced, because never married may not know to give feedback and divorced will give feed back, I know I would.
Correct, the girls were never married. I had 1 divorced woman with children. She was the first one married.
Very often people keep getting married and getting divorced, two, three and even seven times, based on what I have heard from the first hands. I would not consider such a decision-making process as a good model. According to the most of the Gadolim, we should do our very best to find the best shidduch to have a potential to build the stable family and a true Torah home. Jumping into another marriage without a careful process of getting to know each other and without making a final decision based on the mature and responsible acceptance of all of the sides of the future spouse bring up another “nebach” story. And unfortunately, the hardest consequence of such “jumps” is the suffering of the children, who are involved in marriages and divorces.
The reality today is that the most difficult is to find a person that you can trust to and to share your life with. I personally found the biggest problem in shidduchim that the shaddchanim try very hard to hide many serious problems about another side and then it becomes only a wasting of time and coach, brings much disappointment and hurtful feelings from the both sides. Also, suggesting a shidduch with a remarkable age difference as 15-20 years or providing incorrect information about the age of another side with a difference 5-10 year between the real age and nominated also doesn’t help to keep a shidduch ongoing. Usually, once the real age is discovered, the shidduch is stopped because people appreciate a sincere and truthful relationship.
Another factor in making things difficult (especially with the “older”) crowed is how and when to present “baggage”. I have found that some people will google the person and believe anything that they see posted and not bother finding out the facts.
I’m not sure this phenomenon is limited to older single any more than younger. People believe the first things they hear. Its natural. I can tell you about so many stories of singles that believed what they heard and it really took a lot to move them past those impressions and misinformation. All the more reason we need to be very careful how we speak about one another especially when dealing with shidduchim. Once something is said the damage is done.
While I won’t deny that it happens with younger (although it has been a few years since I qualified as one) - my point goes one step beyond what is said (which I think potentially goes into the category of Lashon Harah) but what is posted - which also goes into the category of motzay shem ra.
There are a lot more divorces nowadays, which also leads to singles being afraid to take the plunge.
in Chasidsh circles, we know that ’ love at first sight’ is a myth. you cant love someone unless you have given them of yourself.
so basic rule of commitment to marriage, is s/he a mench?
as long as hashkafos are in the ballpark it should be a we-can-make-it-work situation
theres always give and take, and nobodies perfect, so stop wasting time and jump in
kesha zivigas shem odom k’krias yam suf, means that nothing happened until Nachshon waded in till his neck!
if the potential is hashkaficly close and has midos tovos, then theres no reason not to marry
love comes later
today we have the need it attitude, so singles wait if they can get a better deal…
treating spouses as a commodity, a shande und a charpe
when will we get it through our juvenile natured skulls, that marriage is not about me, its about about what I can do for my spouse and family.
hollywood pervades our thoughts ‘soul mates’ cue the butterflies,
soul mates means my soul will grow and succeed because i have a live in opportunity to help a fellow jew!
This attitude would also prevent divorces
CGSINGER- I am not sure that I wholly agree with this assessment. Yes, people are getting more divorced than before. And yes, it is not the “Shanda” it used to be… People after the war wanted to marry Jewish and that was enough of a requirement. And they did build beautiful families… However, even if we do not subscribe to the Holywood ideas of happiness and lovey dovey at first sight. Nowadays people have(rightfully so) expectations to be matched(vs. mismatched) and find a soulmate. I believe that two people who are growth oriented and ready to work on their middos could marry each other and make it work especially on a “deserted island” to borrow someone else’s expression… but nowadays why? why should one work so hard at it? when you see beautifully matched couples who are happy like two peas in a pod… We B"H have a lot of ressources and technology. It it possible to find your true bashert and enjoy every minute of it. It is not selfish or shameful to want the best match possible, given it is not crazy and impossible. No one should look for the perfect person but Hashem created a person perfect for each one of us. I think a lot of divorces happen, because people were so scared by the “crisis” and they thought that as long as it is in the ballpark, I will make it work… In order to make it work, you need two people interested in the welfare of the other. Without that premise of respect and commitment, love does not always follow but it is rather resentment and anger.
As we enter a new year, I wish everyone who is looking for their zivug hagun to find it. May hashem send singles and shadchanim the clarity and mazal it takes, to see the “right” person sometimes right in front of you. Shana Tovah!
I agree and like everything you said with the exception of the last line. As a divorced man, there was nothing that I could have done to prevent my divorce.
there are many legit reasons for divorce,
I dont know your story, but im fairly sure that if you couldnt make it work then you do what you gotta do
as i said if both partners are menchen baal midos tovos, there is no reason why it shouldnt work