Another factor in making things difficult (especially with the “older”) crowed is how and when to present “baggage”. I have found that some people will google the person and believe anything that they see posted and not bother finding out the facts.
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I’m not sure this phenomenon is limited to older single any more than younger. People believe the first things they hear. Its natural. I can tell you about so many stories of singles that believed what they heard and it really took a lot to move them past those impressions and misinformation. All the more reason we need to be very careful how we speak about one another especially when dealing with shidduchim. Once something is said the damage is done.
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While I won’t deny that it happens with younger (although it has been a few years since I qualified as one) - my point goes one step beyond what is said (which I think potentially goes into the category of Lashon Harah) but what is posted - which also goes into the category of motzay shem ra.
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There are a lot more divorces nowadays, which also leads to singles being afraid to take the plunge.
in Chasidsh circles, we know that ’ love at first sight’ is a myth. you cant love someone unless you have given them of yourself.
so basic rule of commitment to marriage, is s/he a mench?
as long as hashkafos are in the ballpark it should be a we-can-make-it-work situation
theres always give and take, and nobodies perfect, so stop wasting time and jump in
kesha zivigas shem odom k’krias yam suf, means that nothing happened until Nachshon waded in till his neck!
if the potential is hashkaficly close and has midos tovos, then theres no reason not to marry
love comes later
today we have the need it attitude, so singles wait if they can get a better deal…
treating spouses as a commodity, a shande und a charpe
when will we get it through our juvenile natured skulls, that marriage is not about me, its about about what I can do for my spouse and family.
hollywood pervades our thoughts ‘soul mates’ cue the butterflies,
soul mates means my soul will grow and succeed because i have a live in opportunity to help a fellow jew!
This attitude would also prevent divorces
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CGSINGER- I am not sure that I wholly agree with this assessment. Yes, people are getting more divorced than before. And yes, it is not the “Shanda” it used to be… People after the war wanted to marry Jewish and that was enough of a requirement. And they did build beautiful families… However, even if we do not subscribe to the Holywood ideas of happiness and lovey dovey at first sight. Nowadays people have(rightfully so) expectations to be matched(vs. mismatched) and find a soulmate. I believe that two people who are growth oriented and ready to work on their middos could marry each other and make it work especially on a “deserted island” to borrow someone else’s expression… but nowadays why? why should one work so hard at it? when you see beautifully matched couples who are happy like two peas in a pod… We B"H have a lot of ressources and technology. It it possible to find your true bashert and enjoy every minute of it. It is not selfish or shameful to want the best match possible, given it is not crazy and impossible. No one should look for the perfect person but Hashem created a person perfect for each one of us. I think a lot of divorces happen, because people were so scared by the “crisis” and they thought that as long as it is in the ballpark, I will make it work… In order to make it work, you need two people interested in the welfare of the other. Without that premise of respect and commitment, love does not always follow but it is rather resentment and anger.
As we enter a new year, I wish everyone who is looking for their zivug hagun to find it. May hashem send singles and shadchanim the clarity and mazal it takes, to see the “right” person sometimes right in front of you. Shana Tovah!
I agree and like everything you said with the exception of the last line. As a divorced man, there was nothing that I could have done to prevent my divorce.
there are many legit reasons for divorce,
I dont know your story, but im fairly sure that if you couldnt make it work then you do what you gotta do
as i said if both partners are menchen baal midos tovos, there is no reason why it shouldnt work
a get is a mitzvah in the Torah, no different than shabbos and shofar
BUT, if a couple dates and decides that this is it, then it is or should be a shande to get divorced over ego or miscommunication or i-can-do-better
You will never get perfect, only G-d is perfect, humans all have flaws, research and dating is when the flaws need to be discovered and dealt with, not after the plunge
Agreed.
However a get is an optional mitzva (similar to sh’chita - today one is not obligated to eat meat, but if s/he does, then there is a mitzva of sh’chita). Shabbas and shofar are not.
Definition of the Problem/Crisis:
The number of Orthodox non-chassidishe young women who have been dating five years or longer
and are still single is greater – by the thousands – than the number of Orthodox non-chassidise young men who have been dating five years or longer. That single statement defines the shidduch crisis.
This statement doesn’t address what caused this situation it simply defines what many people mean when they use the term Shidduch Crisis in the non chassidishe world.
one only need hear shofar on rosh hashana
one only need to keep shabbos on the 7th day of the week
so too one only needs to eat meat when it is mitzvah like korban pesach and many would say at a seudas mitzvah e.g. bris seyum wedding yomtov seudah
if a couple find their spouse repulsive then it too would require the mitzvah of giving a get
in shas its written, if a man finds someone better than his wife (tova memenah) which Chazal say is not her fault, but rather his bad midah, he must see his wife as the best for him, if he has worked on his middos to be mevater, to speak like a mench, to cherish his wife. than he would never see anyone as tovah memenah
if he has not, then you better believe its a mitzvah to let her go
Definition of the Problem: The number of Orthodox non-chassidishe young women who have been dating five years or longer and are still single is greater – by the thousands – than the number of Orthodox non-chassidise young men who have been dating five years or longer.
That single statement defines the shidduch crisis.
What are your thoughts? How can we help?
You’d have to reform the school system. Ready to take that on? LOL
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It’s real. I am on every shidduch site I can find as well as Jewish dating sites but won’t receive help because I am a modern Jewish gal and although willing to increase my level of Jewishkeitness many shidduchs will not give me the opportunity because I am over 40, divorced with 3 kids (well one is over 18). I also have to share them with their father in the state of Indiana for 6 more years and that is tough for such a man to be found but yet I don’t think any Shidduch has ever really tried on my behalf.
No we do not have a Shidduch Crises, WE HAVE A CHOOSY CRISES !
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I have personally met hundreds of older singles that are really not choosy and yet they are not married yet.
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Let me explain what I mean. These are my thoughts and my opinion and many are going to be outraged but this is how I see it: All this talk of marrying off boys at a younger age does not really hold water. It’s been centuries of older men marrying younger women.
There was a shidduch crisis for Yeshiva bochurim in Poland that spurred the Bais Yaakov movement. Sara Shenirer realized that the girls did not share the Torah values of the boys so she set out to teach them the beauty of Torah so that they would have common goals.
Nowadays we have an educational crisis as well( I am speaking in very broad terms(I realize) about the “Yeshivish” non-chassidish school system).Our Bais yaakov Graduates come out 95%, the way the system intended them to: educated in Halacha and Hashakafah, “tzanuot”, frum, ready for seminary, ready to take on the world: either by continuing their secular education or getting a job. Many girls have internalized the messages of their schools and are ready to marry a guy who davens 3 times a day, is kovea itim/works or is going to Kollel. They also spent years studying, doing homework, taking tests, making sure to come to school on time, do chessed hours, worked on their middos as part of the curriculum…However,(and this is my number for argument sake: it could be inflated or deflated) The boys system is totally different. It is an educational system made totally so that many girls and boys cannot marry each other: The top 20% successful (according to mesivtas) that is going to end up in major yeshivas usually do not have a hard time finding from a much larger pool of girls who are ready to work and sacrifice for a life of Torah and Kollel. Boys who are good boys but not really self-motivated to learn like lean learning machines have a hard time starting their day with minyan and end with night seder 12-14 hours later. they are also being told that they are the next gadol hador, the next talmid chochom since preschool and that works till about 6th grade. Then reality sets in and many realize that they are not cut out for full time learning forever. But by then, they’ve been told that anything less than this lifestyle is worth nothing. They feel like nothings. They feel Ok or mediocre at best, going trhough the motions. No one tells them that their frumkeit and their ability to learn are totally not related and that you can still be frum and ehrlich and have a secular education or a job. We also don’t teach our boys the importance of the journey, they just want to get there. No homework, no hard work. Either a groisse talmid chochom or a wealthy businessman will do. Everything else is not worth mentioning. And since their self-esteem, self-worth and frumkeit is all tied to their ability to learn, many boys feel like losers and start acting like bums. We lose a lot of boys every year… Many become less frum, less committed, less growth oriented, less spiritual, in some cases some become mechalellei shabbos, many drink, smoke, do pot, not exactly what the bais yaakov graduates want to marry… It feels as if the system for girls help them grow to function at their best potential but not the boys… They are also not given any breaks. The girls can do all kinds of accelerated programs to support a kollel lifestyle. But very few boys’ schools help and encourage boys to pursue an education or a job when Kollel is not “their thing”. There is a huge dichotomy between the graduates of our “system”. And as they get older, many more women retain their idealism and frumkeit. The reality is that I don’t think that women over 30 are choosy, they have very little to choose from.
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Omain!!! Thank you for a beautiful beracha, ALIZASOSNE. I agree that we all we need in shidduchim and in life generally is clarity. May all of us be zoiche to find the Right One, not the Perfect One, but the Right One, that is Right for each person.
Ah Git Gebenched Yuhr to all Klal Yisrael!
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I completely agree with you that the main points are a similarity in hashkafas and values, middas tovas and mutual goals.
That’s why the people in mature age need time to meet and to talk to see if they are really competable. Nobody is perfect, it is only a matter to feel comfortable with each other. Nevertheless, there are some particular categories that everyone should be careful with. According to the Rebbetzin Sara Yoheved Rigler, who is a well-known shidduch coach, they are: abusive & controlling, addicted, having some mental issues/disabilities. According to the rebbetzin Rigler the last category could be managed. Rebbetzin Rigler developed a great teaching, very well structured, which helps the single girl/women to improve themselves and to set up their goals in purpose to get married in a real term. She provides a 10-weeks course teaching about:
- How to Improve my life.
- Get answers for my questions.
- Become the kind of person men want to marry.
- Become happy and fulfilled in my present life.
- Raise my self-esteem and self-confidence.
- Gain life skills that will make me a better date
- Explode the “Three Fallacies” that mislead single women.
Here is the link to her The Ladder site.
Also, there are many brilliant books that teach how to deal with shaddchanim, to be in shidduchim, explaining in great details every step of this difficult and painful process.
Based on my own experience speaking to the men, who are looking for the right one to remarry, I’ve never heard of any successful story when two frum people met one-two times, they saw from the beginning that they don’t match at all, but decided to try following a principle “Why not to try it?”. As much I heard from them, it was a mistake and a marriage didn’t last long, in most of the cases less than a year.
Another point that iIagree about, that some frum people are looking for one to fall in love to. I do believe that an attraction is a pre-requisite for a happy marriage and two people should really enjoy each other, but we all learn from the Torah, that Yitzchok first brought Rivka to the tent of his mother, then he married her and only after that he loved her. According to my Ruv, two people should share their lives for a long time to deserve such a great feeling as a true love is.
To make it clear, all the specific characteristics that I’ve described in my message, were mentioned with the constructive purpose regarding the solving the shidduch crisis, not to insult anyone Chas v’Shulom.
Thank you for understanding.
CGSINGER, I agree that we should accept one that we have chosen to be a husband or wife whoever the person is once a decision has been made and the religious marriage has been performed. But please don’t neglect the specific time that we live in right now. Before the upcoming of Mashiach the whole world becomes spiritually darker and darker. It affects all aspects of our life. As you can see, our life becomes more and more intense and complicated every day and less and less people are able to handle this overwhelming and a heighly competitive environment. Our frum world is not an exception. All the simple models of a finding a good shidduch and building a happy life work mostly for the people, who live a simple life. But today it is not so common. I’ve met B"H hundreds of frum families in last a few years and I can say confidentally that the more simple lifestyle the family keeps, the happier all the family members are. I’ve never seen any problems with shidduchim in such families.
So, the key and the solution for many current problems in our frum society is to make our life more simple. Then Yetzer Hara will have less material to work on. Hashem always protects simple and sincere people.
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