Who pays for the wedding

B"H, one of my son’s just got engaged. The question, at least in my mind, is who pays for the wedding? My feeling is that if the couple is old enough to get married, they are old enough to figure out how they will pay for it (not baring them from asking parents for gift/loan). It seems that the girl’s mother has a different idea - she started a WhatsApp group just for the 4 parents (both sides are divorced) to discuss "joint expenses"
Any suggestions, comments, ideas - welcomed

I have found there are 2 main arrangements one is called FLOPS boys side pays flowers liquor photography sheitel, girls side everything else ie hall caterer, etc. the second arrangement some use is 50/50.

If its not too late…First each side reports what they’re willing to spend. Then work within that framework for what is affordable. If one side wants a million dollar wedding and the other doesn’t 50/50 doesn’t help anyone.

Side A says we can afford 5k, Side B says we can afford 9K. That’s it, work within that budget. Don’t spend more than you originally said you would - the moment you budge is the moment the other side assumes you’re just being stingy rather than honest.

If the other side starts making all sorts of demands on what the wedding should have but is outside of your budget let them kindly know that you’ll be happy with the extras they want if they’re willing to foot the bill for it. Want that 5 man band? No problem you pay. Want super fancy flowers when all you can afford is just some basic stuff? Great you foot the bill.

No matter what, no one is going to remember how fancy the wedding is assuming its your average wedding. People remember the moments, the people, the good time spent together.

Better to say to your inlaws that i’d rather give my son/daughter 2k to start their life than a fancier wedding you know what I mean?

Thanks for your reply. In our case (both sets of parents are divorced) - the mothers both said to the kids - how much will the wedding cost. Her father said he wanted a budget. I said that I can contribute $x. Mothers were willing to max credit cards etc.
So in the end - I have no idea who is paying how much (other than myself) nor their budget.

My initial thoughts were - it’s your wedding figure out what you can afford and plan around that.

Well, if you’re not doing the planning then you have nothing else to really do. You contributed what you could and just make sure they understand that is all they’re getting.

If you are planning…well then you need to tell them to give you exact numbers of what they will contribute otherwise you cannot take “max credit cards” as an amount. Max credit cards could mean anything from $500 to the sky. You don’t have to max their credit cards but an initial number of what they are willing to spend is a reasonable ask (just so that you don’t actually end up maxing anyones card or worse…)