Short video conferencing as a 'first date'? What are your thoughts?

Dating Ideas
#1

Hi guys,

As a single I can tell you first hand that after years of dating many singles just don’t have the strength to make the push for a first date all over again. Though absolutely necessary, first dates are viewed by many older singles as stressful and time consuming which sadly outweighs the optimistic hopes that this time he or she will be a partner for life. Personally, I’ve been known to quicker say yes to date someone who happens to be local and ok with a short casual date (max 2 hours) than having to travel an hour or two to pickup a girl to then have to travel an hour or two after the date to return home. Its sad that many of us think this way but this is the reality for many who have been dating for years.

Side note: Once we to actually meet someone we like we have all the energy in the world to travel and date and spend whatever it costs. After all it is our future. Its just until we actually meet someone that we just resign to our current lives which we’ve become comfortable with and avoid risking change for someone we don’t know anything about.

The idea:
I’ve been approached by some great people from Brooklyn who have this idea that shadchanim could avoid having to try pushing older singles to date which is an uphill battle for many. Instead the shadchanim can just try getting both singles to agree to meet online for 15 minutes on a video conference. There are no commitments, no traveling, no stress of being prepared… Just a casual 15 minutes online on a video conference that the shadchan sets up.

After this ‘first date’ each single can make their own decisions privately with their shadchan about whether to agree to officially start dating or not. It will be a lot easier for each single to make a decision now that other person is no longer a mystery.

Your thoughts?
Personally, I’m unsure if I’d agree easily to such ‘first dates’ because honestly I’ve never done it and dont know how it would play out but I’m certainly open to the idea of trying it out. I’m interested in knowing what your thoughts, ideas, and concerns are about short video conferencing as a ‘first date’ setup by a shadchan. Would you do it? Have you done it and how did it go? As a shadchan do you think it would be easier to get singles to agree to video first dates rather than trying to push for a full first date?

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#2

Wow, i think your idea is super!!

#3

From experience I personally can tell more about a person and get a feeling about a person when I actually meet them in person and I am unsure if this would come through in a video conference. So for me it would be a no, since I prefer f 2 f to see the real person in a real life situation. I do understand the idea behind it though. However, it would not work for me.

#4

I have been suggesting this to guys and I think doing a Skype date for 15 min to half hour works well. After years of first dates that were totally off track, this saves a lot of time, energy and travel bills on both ends. You can see a person’s demeanor and mannerisms at least somewhat via video chat and then decide if you both feel it’s worth a shot to meet in person.

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#5

Great idea!! Even better then speed dating…need to make sure the tech part work really well.just thinking if the shadchan would be in on the first few minutes to make it more official and less stigma for the yeshivish,heimish type…The dress code should be “casual”.

#6

Brilliant idea! I just think it might be helpful to base it on distance. Like if it’s someone who lives nearby why not just meet? But in most cases, I think it would save a lot of time, money, and emotional/physical energy.

#7

Definitely a unique approach. I think it’s a toss up. Some singles will love it (especially those who have to travel) and others will find it artificial and uncomfortable. But nothing to lose to try it out. Not sure the concept of involving a shadchan at the initiation of the conversation is practical. That’s factoring in too many people to be available at the same time. Additionally if it’s an active shadchan who sets up 10+ couples per week how will he/she fit in yet another 100+ minutes…

#8

Great idea. The only thing is finding a place for people to do that. Not everyone has a smart phone or internet, especially not some more yeshivish people. There would need to be some willing volunteers to set up that sort of thing in a nearby house. Maybe one of those shidduch meeting house gmachs could help.

#9

To your point about involving the shadchan, I was not suggesting that the shadchan should be on the conference for any period of time. I was just trying to exclude the idea of singles setting themselves up with other singles via video conference. And yes I agree with your points. Thanks

#10

The problem is you’ll have people saying no based on a false impression that had no chance to be corrected

#11

I think it’s a good idea. And from the number of times that I said yes to a date, opened the door, and knew in an instant that this wouldn’t work out, this has potential. I’ve actually done this and it works well. I’ve had phone date, and video dates, and while they cannot serve instead of a physical date, they are a good start. I would do it, though maybe something so short wouldn’t really be a good indicator, and they can decide to talk longer (like a real date).

And I am I the only one who knows that 20 years ago the boy called the girl before the date just to say hi (maybe 5 min) and to confirm the date? And that was before cell phones! Why did this concept go away? This seems along the similar lines, and I think it’s a good idea.

#12

I have heard from shadchanim that there no substitute for real life face to face meetings
people make a better and more realistic impression live
I would not advocate this skpe meet unless…
the potentials live very distant from each other making it impractical to meet

#13

I totally understand the reasoning behind it. That is the reason why I recently decided to do phone calls first before committing to a date. .

I tried the phone call idea once so far, and it worked out very well. After two phone calls, it was clear that the guy wasn’t for me, and I didn’t have to deal with (most of) the pressure that usually goes with dating.

I’m not sure I’d be comfortable with video conferencing though.

The problem I would have with video conferencing is that it would still entail all of the pressure that goes with dating, but without any of the advantages. I would still have to put the same amount of time and energy into making sure I look okay, and I would still have the pressure of having to be at a specific place at a specific time. And those are the main difficulties of dating for me.

I’d also be concerned that it would lead to many guys being more focused on looks, since they would be likely to use this as a method of screening out potential dates based on looks alone, whereas if they would go on an actual date, they are more likely to feel more committed to give it a try, and I think it’s easier to be focused on the person as a person when there is an actual person there as opposed to a video which can give the impression of the person being there but they really aren’t.

Since I’ve never actually done anything similar before, I can’t say for sure, but those are my feelings about it.

#14

The way I see it is that, true, nothing can replace a face to face encounter, however, allowing lots more singles to meet may create more opportunity to find one’s zivug. I would not think of this as a date - rather a “coffee meet” or virtual intro. If the average experienced single meets 5-10 new people per year this would accelerate the process and add on (maybe even a 100 more) intros each year. That would be incredible!

I also don’t think this should replace my Yes dates rather this would be a great way for me to go through all the Maybes and soft No’s and give them a chance. Make sense?

#15

As a single who has traveled for 4 hours for a first date recently, I can relate. It could be a great idea because it can also solve the issues with pics which are such a bad representation of a person because it’s just one moment of them captured and the person is totally different when conversing in my experience.

So my added suggestion is to remove the requirement for pictures and instead do a short intro conference after some research.

#16

I personally was suggested a girl one who was in america (i live in israel) and she was happy to come in to go out but suggested maybe we skype first before jumping on a plane. I try to be open minded and said yes but truthfully was a bit put off by the whole thing thinking

  1. is this the place and way to be meeting potential partners?
  2. what could possibly happen over a phone or video
  3. maybe it will do more harm connection is bad you dont get a clear pic of who the person is

However i did it and i think it is a great idea fo the following reasons

  1. i think the issue these days is not how many boys and girls but how many times people are going out or meeting other people. this option offers and easy way to meet people without being hung up on finding out all the details its just a phone call.
  2. the venue is much more relaxed then the standard hype around regular dating
  3. i think in a world where we are too “shallow” so to speak where everyone goes out and has subconscious thoughts based around looks sometimes its nice to get to know a person for their personality and not the way their face looks. Your meeting and looking for a person to spend the rest of your life with not just a pretty face. (obviously, attraction is a major part but in a world where we are constantly bombarded with physical features all the time, i am only suggesting that you “fall in love” so to speak with the person/personality before getting hung up or saying no because their is a space in their teeth or as i once got because his payos were messy?)