Message for other daters

If you had the opportunity to tell a guy/girl you are dating or a shadchan anything, what would you tell them?

Things like: “It’s ok to wear flats on a first date.” Or “If we are going to a park on a first date in the summer, it’s ok to take off your hat and jacket.” Or “Just because you think it’s a good idea to send a picture with your shidduch resume, doesn’t mean I won’t get any dates if I don’t.”

From your experience, what good advice can you offer to other guys/girls or to shadchanim about the dating process (before, during, and after dating)?


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My theory is just be yourself. That’s the way you’re most comfortable and that’s the way you are. It would be quite a shame to marry someone and then find out that they’re totally different than you knew until now. Of course there are going to be things that will only show up later but at least give the person you’re dating the best image of you that you can. Just be natural, it’s anyway probably the best impression you can give anyway. You also don’t want to come off as fake. This also goes with the things mentioned above. This goes without saying that you should use your sechel. I personally don’t think it would be a good idea to take off your jacket on the first date but maybe if it’s very hot just ask her first. That’s my take, I think it’s at least a fair method.

Advice to shadchanim: When you ask a single what she/he is looking for and she/he responds, don’t assume that you know better than them and have the right to give them mussar and tell them that they are wrong for thinking that Type A is more likely to work for them than Type B.

You have some preconceived notions about the reasons why people are single and you are making the (incorrect) assumption that if an older single girl tells you that a guy in klei kodesh is more likely to be “matim” for her, don’t assume that she must be wrong and that it must be that she is too picky, and that she has been refusing to date guys who weren’t in klei kodesh all these years and that must be why she is still single, and that it is your job to convince her that she has to marry a working guy.

Most of the time you don’t know her, or if you do know her, you don’t know her that well. Chances are that you don’t know her entire dating history, who she has gone out with and why, and why it hasn’t worked. You have no idea why she is still single.

As a matter of fact, the chances are that she knows herself better than you, and probably has a good reason for what she is looking for. After all, she has a lot of dating experience, and she probably spent a lot of time thinking about why her dates didn’t work out, and what she should be looking for.

Don’t make assumptions, and don’t be so haughty as to assume that you know better than her/him and that you have the right to tell him/her that she is wrong. The fact that you mean well doesn’t mean that you are right, or that you are not causing a lot of damage with your words.

Maybe the issue is not that she was only dating learning boys, but that she was only dating working boys, and now she realizes that’s not “matim” for her. Don’t make any assumptions, and please don’t assume you know better than the singles themselves.