How about a singles meeting

General
#1

I was thinking it would be a good idea for single men who are in the same category of frum, (yes, i hate these categories as much as anyone else, but in shiduchim, it’s almost impossible not to talk in these terms) Yehsivish, Chasidish, Modern Orthodox, and so forth…each category would have their own meeting to discuss with each other girls they’ve gone out with, for the purpose of maybe someone else in that group mind find that girl interesting and consider dating her.

Obviously shmiras halashan would have to be strictly followed and a Rav should be consulted. Questions will come up like 'Why didn’t the shiduch work for you?" It’s important to ascertain what is and isnt allowed to be asked or answered. And once someone is interested, the two men can talk in private–not in the presence of the whole group.

In this way, we are helping each other out. A networking group of people in the same Parsha helping each other out.

I suppose there should be an age range with these meetings as well.

The same type of meetings should be held with the ladies.

Please share your thoughts on this topic.

Gut Yom Tov to all!

#2

This would leave out a number of singles who don’t live “in-town”.

#3

Brilliant idea as no one knows their own experiences better than they themselves. I’ve heard many times that the date was nice but not for me. But, while it sounds like a lovely idea, I too am concerned about the aspects of shmirat halashon that can be quite complex when speaking of potential schidduchim. I wonder, along the lines of heniarivky’s addition about “why it didn’t work” being discussed in private - could the young man describe the young lady to his group using a pseudonym and, if someone was potentially interested, the shadchan for the young lady could be brought into the picture, obviously outside that meeting, to take it from there? In other words, if Chaim tells his group about “XYZ” and Shimon thinks he might like to learn more about her, later, in private, Chaim can give Shimon “XYZ”'s real name and shadchan’s contact info. Thanks for thinking outside the box, D

#4

Personally i think its inappropriate for men to sit and discuss the women they were g’redd with other men. I’ve heard rumors about it, it goes on in certain yeshivos, and it makes me cringe.
“Leah Leahstien was too stiff/cool/fancy for me but maybe you would click” Something a bit tasteless about it.
If I may suggest, the idea is great though, so, how about having the singles men and women talk to a shadchan about who they saw, what was incompatible and have the shadchan then come up with a more appropriate suggestion. This gives the single the incentive to share their previous potentials.

2 Likes
#5

I vaguely remember participating in such a thing years ago for single girls.

I think that it can be a great idea, but it has to be organized right in order to avoid the pitfalls mentioned above. The one that I went to was organized by someone who is a very good organizer and had previously organized several singles’ events.

I don’t remember all the details, but I think that there was a large group of girls who all met at a restaurant, and each girl spoke to each other girl and asked her what she was looking for, and if she thought of someone for her she let her know, and she took notes in case she thought of something later on.

It was kind of like speed-dating, but with all girls, and more informal. I don’t think Loshon Hora was an issue, since the conversations were one-on-one, and people were careful.

I don’t remember if she had shadchanim present or not, but it can be helpful. That way, if someone has an idea, they have someone to turn to with it.

I think it’s important to make sure that all those present are a certain caliber - people who are makpid on shmiras halashon and who aren’t superficial - that way it would be easier to avoid some of the problems mentioned by others.

I agree that it would be best to have a Rav involved and to make sure that everyone is in the same category. It would also be a good idea to tell/remind everyone of the pertinent halachos of shmiras halashon before starting.

#6

Oh I really like this idea about using a pseudonym! That’s the way to do it! Thanks!

#7

I like all the responses I’m getting. Everyone is concerned that this should be done right. But if done right it can be helpful. That’s what I’m picking up from these responses.

I’m out of town, so I don’t know if I should try to start such a group over here. Or maybe help to organize something in the NY/NJ area-- even if i’m not there, i can get involved from long distance. Or should i start in my own backyard? Maybe i could get a few girls together from here-- but i don’t know how many girls of the same age range and same mindset i can find here… Or if i found some, how many would show up.

I’m rambling away. The point is can we do something practical about this? If so, what should we do, and what would my role be in this if any?

Of course we would have to talk about how to keep this appropriate.