In the frum dating experience, how does a first date work? Does the man pay for the date or do they split the tab? I have been informed that “most women” are looking for a free meal from potential dates, and that now it is the norm for each to pay for whatever they order so that the man does not feel “used”. Please weigh in on this!
This question can be expanded to include - who pays for traveling? I’ve gone out with women who offered to pay half of the airfare.
This is Yonason W. I am an almon and have gone on many dates and always pay. I dont usually go to a restaurant or something expensive on first date but would still pay.
Good luck! And Gut Moed.
In the circles I’m in (Toradig/ Modern Yeshivaish), the boys pay. However, I am always grateful and make sure to thank them. I do not take it for granted that they are paying for tolls, gas, the date, as well as the non payment part of time to travel back and forth and the toll it takes on them the next day from being exhausted.
When the guy travels far, I always offer to put them up for the night, and send them back with a care package of snacks and drinks.
Although it may be the “accepted thing” in my circles for the male to pay, it is important for the girls to realize what goes into it, and to appreciate it.
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Just the cost of a first date without any prerequisites like travel or car rental is no more than 10 dollars in my circles. I have a hard time believing girls look at that as a free meal. And if you mean later on then I still think the boy should pay based on some dating advise I got once. Just, you make sure that you’re not stringing anyone on and hopefully what you said that you were originally told is not and never will be true. I do, however very much agree with what other people have been saying about ways to show that you are truly interested by like finding him a good place to stay, offering to help with flights etc. I may want to add, be ready to travel to him, or offer to pick him up or other things that still allow him to be the one treating the girl out but still making it easier for him and/or show him that you’re willing to put in effort. Hatzlacha!
In a frum world is considered not tzniusdik to share any meal, food or drink. Two people meet only to talk to each other to see if they are getting along well. It is not a chassidishe minchag as many people think, but a regular frum custom and practice. It based on a Parsha Chayei Sarah Passuk 33: "Food was set before him, but he said, “I will not eat until I have spoken my piece”. The commentaries to the Chumash say: Since Eliezer still did not know if the girl would consent to follow him to Canaan, he resolved not to eat until the matter was settled beyond a doubt (Rashbam). For the same reason, no any food is served until both sides agree to marry each other and only then the first shared meal is served at the L’Chaim.
That is interesting - as I learned that the only reason that he refused to eat was due to the fact that he was commanded with a mission to find a wife for Yitzchak. As with many mitzvos - one can’t eat while obligated in a mitzva (before davening, shofar, lulav, etc). May be just one of those differences in approach between Litvish and Chassidic : )
You are right, it is a mitzvah for a man to have a wife. Until he will find her he doesn’t share any meal with her because his mitzvah is not fulfilled yet.
As I mentioned, this way of meeting in purpose of finding a bashert has No specific hashkafa, Litvish or Chassidish. It is a common practice in a whore Haredi world regardless the difference in a hashkafa.
As I know, in the Modern world it is conducted in the different ways. This is the difference between the Haredi and Modern minchagim, but not between Litvish and Chassidish.
This is the way it should be. And I appreciate very much when men pay. For sure both man and woman don’t have to go to a 5 star restaurant, juice, coffee or tea will make it. Thank you for your kind words. Good yom tov!
On the first date I believe the man takes the women out. But I can understand that after numerous dates with the same girl she may want to split the costs or drive over to him. If it is true that the women is going out to get free meals then of course the man will feel used. This is a selfish thing of a woman to do. The best way is for the man to want to give and pay and for her to appreciate it by saying a nice thank you and complimenting him on his generosity and kindness. Good Luck!
The first date need not involve a meal; many will meet for a coffee or tea knowing that the reason for the meeting is to talk, not eat. Additionally, if a man is in town to date, taking several ladies out could be a tircha if he were expected to buy each of them a meal. A thoughtful lady would be mindful of that and not think the man “cheap” at the suggestion of meeting for a drink. But even if it’s only a drink, someone must pay and it should be the man as it it his mitzvah to marry and that meeting is part of his hishtadlut. B’hatzlacha, D
In all my years of dating (and it’s over 15 years) i can count of 1 hand the amount of times a girl offered to pay…it;s very sad
I can’t imagine any woman would go out with a guy just to get a free meal- no matter how fancy or expensive the meal is. Besides for it showing a complete lack of middos, I don’t think any woman in their right mind would want to spend hours getting ready for a date they know won’t go anywhere , just to be able to get a free meal. Let’s be real, the make up she uses for that date probably costs more than the meal itself;p
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Either way, whether it’s expected or not that the man pay, I sure hope the woman thanks the guy!
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They should thank each other for the time. Money comes and goes but time can never be returned. And if they arent a good match, maybe they can try to keep one another in mind for others.
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Wonderful suggestion! I always try to think of people for guys I’ve dated… you never know, maybe the reason you had to go out with someone was to be able to make their shidduch!